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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
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I woke up from a dream of you. Everything was drenched in your hue. In it, we sat under my stars and told secrets about everything we wish to be. You never did see what I could see, I wish you could comprehend the wonderful things you are and could be. Let's make a movie.
I steal glances, we make dances. Everyday was a documentation. With you I've got a lack of frustration that I could get used to... Even if i'm not supposed to. You music fills my tiny vessel I told you it was something special but you shrug it off. Maybe one day I'll convince you. Maybe some where there's a castle, and i'll get you mini-robots who serve never-ending lunchables, Nothing rhymes with lunchables.
I think I'd like living life with you by my side. Like I said, you're a smart kid with a beautiful smile. Even if I don't know much about you, I'm glad you're around for me to grouch to. I'm trying to make this song about you, Little Twinkie Blue,
But this comes alot easier for you.
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In my dreams, I see myself hitting a baseball, on a green field somewhere near a free-way. I'm all tan, and smiling, and running from first base. And it's hot, and our friends keep on playing the driving game, and they're singing the same single refrain, and the sky is blueish-grey.
It's become just like a chemical stress; I'm searching the lines in my face for something more beautiful than is there, I've barely been gone.
In my dreams, I see you at the foot of some mountains. You're taking some pictures of something, and we'd better hurry up because it's late, and the sun keeps on shooting through pine trees. The grass stains are wet on your new jeans. We'd better hurry up.
I've become just like a terrible mess.
In my dreams, I see you asleep on a twin bed, The covers are pulled up over your head. ...Am I asleep or awake?
I'm not a failure, I swear. I wish you could see from over there, that i've got alot over here with out you, and i've barely been gone.
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We sit in very well lit rooms, you can't stop staring at the ceiling. i'm trying to see what has you captivated (it should be me) I can't help noticing my straps keep falling down.
you aren't noticing. i wore this for you. you never really look at me. I give you every opportunity. Your vision skips right over me.
There's static in the speakers. "synapse to synapse" How much time could possibly elapse before we can talk about our "unfinished business"? Where's your conviction? I used to be your inspiration, but lately you've got no imagination..
I guess it's safe to say you never fell for me, you fell for how it felt. you fell for being held. This song feels like it's been playing for hours. I can't help but wonder, will I "catch you this time?" The words we never say are written all over this place. Walls, ceilings, faces, bodies.
Stains. Stains on the carpet, stains on the ceilings, stains on the memories.
You're so guilty, it's disgusting.
Giving in to get off won't be a sufficient distraction for us tonight. The alchohol is wearing off. I'm out of cigarettes.
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It's only doubts that we're counting on fingers broken long ago. I read "With every broken heart, we should become more adventurous."
If you banish me from your profits, and if i get banished from the kingdom up above, i'd sacrafice money, and heaven all for love. Let me be loved.
If my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it. And if my hands stop working, you can call me lazy. And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby. Let it be loved.
I felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east, and I thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees. Maybe ours is the cause of all man kind; Give love to make more, try to stay alive.
I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like i've got a broken neck. I'm wanting to say "I will" as my last testament. For you to be saved, and me to be brave, we don't have to walk down any aisle, Because if marriage isn't enough, at least we'll be loved.
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| Time: | 2:42 pm. |
| Mood: | numb. | | Music: | Yankee Bayonet ( I Will Be Home Then) - The Decemberists. |
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i got a year older. i pierced my lip. broke up with the boyfriend (for now b/c i'm an idiot) tried new things. went to a rad show.
and i still have no motivation to be happy about anything.
but atleast i can find some nice distractions.
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Thursday, January 25th, 2007
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i'm not going to lie,
everything sucks.
alot.
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Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
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Okay so I haven't updated since somewhere in October. I guess several things has happened, I don't know.Umm. Well in the past couple of months, everything that I was talking about that was going well, completely just died in late october/november. How Ironic. as if that hasn't happened two years in a row.
My job got worse, Frankie and I completely died(or he did, rather, and i just gave up feeling like shit everyday of my life), Josh disappeared out of thin air, and so did Zack, My mother and I are constantly at eachother's throats. School sucks, work sucks, my so called friends or people i'm interested ALWAYS suck.
I'm getting a little sick of everyone and thing.
But on a happier note, I saw Truman yesterday for the first time, and I have to admit that I have the most beautiful nephew any one could ask for. He is perfect and we fell asleep together last night. I am in love with him. ahhh he makes me so happy. and so does my brother and randi. i am so glad they are here
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Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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| Time: | 8:58 pm. |
| Mood: | disappointed. | | Music: | kimya dawson. |
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I really. really. really really need to stop getting myself into bad situations with brandon.
fuck. I suck.
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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| Time: | 12:04 pm. |
| Mood: | cynical. | | Music: | Title Track - Death Cab, on repeat.. |
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Recap from this weekend:
Saturday - -Cleaning the house, getting pretty, leaving with sarah to do who knows what, we weren't really sure yet. - Were going to go City Walk for reasons that I can't remember -Somehow ended up in a Denny's in the middle of nowwhere. -Saw this kid that I hung out with ONCE and I thought he was a total weirdo and he just so happened to end up being our waiter. HA. Awkward. -Decided to go over to Josh's house, in the completely opposite direction. - Got nervous because I thought Josh hated me and didn't want me over there - Got nervous again because I thought it was going to be awkward -Got LOST on the way over there, haha as usual. - Bonded with Sarah in the most wonderful bonding experience i've experienced in a while - Listened to my favorite Death Cab cd in Sarah's car that I thought I would never be able to listen to again, because of the way it makes me feel, and makes me think of, but listened to it and enjoyed it for it's real value, not the way it made me feel. -Arrived at Josh's house and had a surprisingly good time. I smiled more than I have in a while. - Drank beer that acutally didn't taste like complete shit - Spent time with a boy that I might like too much for my own good, but had a completely innocent time - Stumbled in at one am, passed out a little while later, with a smile on my face.
Later that night.... - Phone call from Frankie puking like he had a deamon in there or something - Listened to him scream and cry and talk about how he is never going to Drink again and repeat how he is so sorry for everything and he can't believe himself and he loves me, etc. - Tried to go to sleep, but kept getting half drunk, half sick, upsetting phone calls from Frankie - Finally got to sleep after three hours or going back and forth and telling that kid that he isn't going to die he just has to puke it all out. - Woke up early to Frankie calling repeatedly, had to wake up two hours later for work, early - Got ready to go to work, was acutally RIGHT ON TIME -Work was so busy it was uncomprehendable - Got yelled at for not organizing coupons, or some shit - Mom delivered some unexpected news about her and dad - Didn't know how to react - Talked to randi about Tru, Talked to chris about our emotionally fucked up family, - Mom basically told me I was going out to dinner with her - Got screamed at for Accidently setting offf the car alarm - Ate really bad chinese - Didn't talk to Josh - Was bored out of my mind all night, - Listened to that Death Cab Cd, felt unusually moppy and depressed about everything that's been depressing me for the past year, I guess - Started reading a play, but fell asleep.
Today is monday, and I feel the exact same way that I did when I fell asleep last night. which was: weird. I can't really explain it. I guess I'm just thinking about shit too much and feeling sorry for myself. When I talk to Frankie now, or I don't know for the past little while, it's like... It's like I don't even feel anything or have any desire to talk to him at all. Or really any one else for that matter, now that I think about it. But then I sit there thinking I want to talk to someone or be hanging out with some one, but every one I think of that I could be hanging out with, I have no desire to be around. Or something.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
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Saturday, September 30th, 2006
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| Subject: | Staying Alive |
| Time: | 2:23 pm. |
| Mood: | indifferent. | | Music: | cursive - the night i lost the will to fight. |
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I guess I could say I've been busy lately, but I don't even remember this past week. I try to think about it and nothing comes to mind. I guess that makes me dull. Or maybe it just makes me human, I haven't figured out which one yet.
My beautiful, perfect nephew was born on the 22nd, and I Can't wait until I get to meet him. The pictures my brother sent of him were wonderful; every though that I ever imagined of him, never even came close. I know he and i will get along wonderfully.
I keep forgetting that I have a whole fucking week off of school this coming week. Its like it doesn't even matter. All I can focus on is this weekend and what could be happening. I've been sick for going on a month now, and i think I'm gaining weight and I just feel like shit.
I really need to take a shower. I haven't taken one since....umm. when was the last time i took a shower? Either wednesday night or thursday morning, haha. That is atrocious, I am disgusting.
Tomorrow is Frankie's birthday. I wanted to spend time with him today, but ummm. He said.
And I quote.
"Maybe next weekend"
I'll never understand it. I've just decided that I'm not even going to ask him about it anymore. Because if he denies ME coming THERE, then there's obviously something that's fucking cookoo over there. I think he had some plan in his head tht was going to happen with shane, and ryan, but it isn't. Whatever. I guess they are alot more fun than I am. Even though he sees them multiple times a week. It doesn't matter, I'm not even getting into that rant. If he doesn't want me to pay him on his birthday, then okay. He's obviously the one who is missing out. I guess.
Last night I had a dream thatI got two ADORABLE puppies, and i was the happiest I've been in a long time. And there were alot of people in the dream that made me really happy and we were all living together and everything was okay. and the puppies were the cutest thing
I really wish dreams came true. i want a puppy
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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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123 I HATE MY JOBBBBB
I hate the people I work withhh andddd.
I hate living in this houseee
I am going to sleep and hopefully frankie will remember to wake me up
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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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Okay. I love how I find a way to jinx everything that ever happens in my life, ever. I sit here and write this whole thing on how I feel about the current Frankie situation and then the very next day, we're back to where we always are. I am so sick of being in this relationship.
I guess there's ten million things that I could say about it, but me saying anything doesn't do any good at all.
I can't get my thoughts together enough, anyways.
I just don't have the energy to beg and plead and work on a relationship that will probably never work itself out anyways.
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Monday, September 11th, 2006
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Why won't ex's EVER die?! I think that I seriously would have reconsidered dating at all if I knew that the boys that I have grown to loathe would still becoming around to bother me.
case and point: Mark Johnson.
Okay we dated for a short time october/november last year. [when frankie and i weren't talking, for whatever reason =( ] He basically lied to me all the time and started shit with me but I thought for the most part it was my fault because that's what he was telling me. Okay we had a bad relationship because, we didn't communicate. And well, he was drunk basically 89% of the time. So he ditched me for some other girl. Okay, whatever. So one day I am at ozone last year, and there he. standing there. He sends some one over to tell me "hey, i don't hate you" Okay, good? because you have no reason to? He fed me alot of pretty words about oh, this, and oh that,
anyways.
I like how I get texts like one or two or three or FOUR Times a month from this kid saying "Hey give me a blow job" or "Hey let me come over" and him blatantly telling me that the only reason he wants to hang out, is so he can get a blow job. I guess he just forgets that he treated me like complete shit when we were together, and when we were not even together afterwords (ie: didnt even have the balls to break up with me to my face or give me any closure) Okay so the point I am trying to make is you don;t fuck some one over and then months later expect them to put out what is the thought process behind that?! I don't even know. He'll contact me and just think I guess that I am stupid enough to buy into that shit,. I may not have high self esteem, but I atleast have some, and I have enough sense in my girl head to know that that is the most ridiculous thing of ALL TIME.
i'd also like to say that I appreciate the person that I got to know when I first got to know this kid, but I don't think that kid REALLY ever existed in the first place. I'd like to be his friend but he just makes everything seem so shady. He's one of those people that likes to lead a double life, I guess. Tell people one thing, and other people another thing. not to mention he is completely fucked up all the time, on who KNOWS what, which makes me sad because I know that if he really put his mind to something he could be something.
Okay well that's something that really has been bothering me lately. I wish he wasn't such a fucking egotistical dick sometimes. I wish he could just be the old mark. If that person was even real... He'd make a good friend, because trust me, that's all I would ever want out of him from this point, on.
that was my point for that one, i guess.
Okay and one more point about ex's. ummm. I don't know. The good ones, I can't keep a steady freindship with, the bad ones, I can't avoid. Karma hates me. I'd get into the story about what happened last week, but I guess thats for another entry. or for nothing, I haven't decided yet.
Moving on,
Also all my o ther ex-whatevers pretty much frustrate me to no end as well, in their own different respects. I guess I could sit here all day and talk about how i hate my exes, and the second like, Frankie says something about his, my stomach drops. He was telling me some story the other day about how he had taken a pottery class with his ex when they were together, and it was obviously ten million thousand years ago, but I don't know it made me feel. what's the word? It made me feel jealous, I guess you could say. I mean, as much as I know that I would never actually take a class with some one I was in a relationship with, I mean I guess I just got jealous that he was with some one that was in a close enough proximity to be in a damn pottery class with, as cheesy as it sounds. It's just frustrating that circumstances are the way that they are. I feel like I want to be with him, and that how i feel for him is significant.... but what am I going to do? what are WE going to do? I dunno, he doesn't like to talk about it. Which is very frustrating because it seems like, as of late, everything important, he doesn't want to talk about. And I am girl and I like to talk about important things. Or just talk in general. I don't know, I want things to be really open. Open open open. Open and easy. But of course it isn't because we are both extremely stressed out and irritable so we treat eachother like dicks sometimes. SIGH. Sometimes I just feel like I am not enough to keep him..with me? I Don't know. I get really insecure and I start thinking that he wants something better (and he probably does) And I just get spastic. I am such a fucking spazz when it comes to this shit. But I don't think he realizes it half the time because for the most part I am the one who is keeping him in check and trying to keep him sane with his life situations. Sometimes it would nice to get it back, he just doesn't understand how I feel, I guess. And I get so fucking insecure about our fucking relationship. He's there, I'm here. He's touring all the time. Or he will be anyways. And something that recently just happened, was he got a little tipsy last week. And he used to be sooo adimate (sp?) about not drinking, or smoking, or anything of that nature, and he used to get so upset with me if I ever partook in any of those things... And Apparently on his 21st he's going to get obliterated. Which will probably lead to him getting drunk with everyone else on tour. which will lead to.....who knows what? That worries the mother fucking shit out of me,because I don't REALLY know how he is when he's drunk or what he's inclined to do. Things with him right now are just fucking weird. WEll I guess they're always weird in some respect. and you know what, he isn't even FAR away. What is an hour? and hour is nothing. nothing at all. I spend an hour getting ready to go somewhere. I spend an hour on myspace. so why is an hour between the two of us a big deal? it isnt! it is NOT. I want things to be legitamite with this boy, because I have a feeling, Yes, that's right, a damn feeling. I have a feeling that if we both weren't so....what's the word i'm loooking for? Okay first of all, if he didn't live in satellite beach, and if we wasn't so indecisive and if I wasn't so inclined to get disctracted/caught up/whatever then we would be fine. blah blah I know. I'm probably being naive and stupid but, I'm entitled to be naive and stupid.
All I know is when this is all finally over it's going to hurt like nothing else.
but who knows if it will really ever be over.
I want to be cute and take a fucking pottery class with Frankie Gabriel, and I don't even fucking like pottery of have any desire to like it
It's just the whole point of it
WHAT IS MY POINT IS THESE FUCKING ENTRIES I don't have any idea. and that's why I am not going to read over this because then I will sit here trying to figure out what exactly it is i'm trying to say, and I won't be able to and then i'll delete the whole thing because it doesn't make any sense and then at two in the morning i'll be laying there yelling at myself for typing this thing for 45 minutes and then deleting it.
man I wish it came out this easy for papers. lame.
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I never write any more, and I am going to start writing in this damn journal more now because, the other one. well, its ugly. and its got too much old stuff that doesn't pertain to my life anymore.
I guess one of the reasons why I hate the world so much lately is because I don't talk to any one about how I feel or how I should feel or anything like that. And when I do talk about it I just ramble and have incomplete thoughts about nothing to do with anything, and it sounds alot like how I am going right now.
I don't want to be that girl that's always dwelling on negative things, and letting it hold me back. but I don't know, situations that happen just seem to always prove me right about everything I was having doubts about.
I don't even know what I'm saying
I'm trying to believe in something, and believe in people.
Okay today was just a weird day because,
well. for alot of reasons. It was a monday, it was a ask andi ten million questions day,
Sarah wanted to go to a Rory show and I was going to go and then I remembered that I didn't really like Rory. WEll I Guess I don't HATE them, it's just I don't have an opinion about them because they aren't really extraordinarily good, or bad. And then noreen wanted to go and I am like. Okay. First of all. One of them is going to get lost and get pissed of and be bitching about being lost and then every one is going to start yelling or maybe I'll just start yelling and then we'll get ther and no one will be having any fun And I needed a nap anyways.
so I was just like. Noreen and I aren't really talking anyways, and I need that space. So why am I about to go and be in a confined space with her for like four hours? She doesn't understand the fact that I am one of those people that just needs to fucking take some time and space from people when I've been around them too long. It's like I'm a bad person for that, and I don't really think I am. I think that's perfectly normal.
Okay well I have alot to type about but i need to go eat some food. I think I am going to come back and enter some more because I am on a role
not that any one READS this shit anyways
and i'm okay with that
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I meant to start writing in this journal forever ago instead of the other one but I always forget. I will soon.
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Friday, February 24th, 2006
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It's been a month since you've been gone, and it's been a month too long since you have graced me with your presence. I smell your scent on every single shirt I wear I know you try to call, but the reception there is weak. And it will still be three more weeks until you get home...
I hope you're waiting by the door when I get home, I don't want anyone to see me here alone. It's not enough to say I think about you now, But that was all I had...
.....a month ago.
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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
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In my dream, I wake up in a really big bed, in a room that's painted a green that makes everything look and feel minty when the sun shines through the open windows. I wake alone, but I know in my head, that I'm not. In my dream, there was no hesitance to get up, or sleep for another hour. I know exactly where I'm going. I stretch and get out of bed and walk directly to where I knew you'd be. You're sitting in a room, doing something really commendable. A record is playing that we both love, and you're sitting in your favorite spot writing things down; You finally got your motivation back. I sit in the chair across from you. You look up at me and smile your little smile, that made me smile, in the midst of my groggy mmnner. I guess my hair was all over the place, or my make up was smudged..but for some reason I'm not so concerned about how I look around you anymore. Comfort. I ask you what you're doing, and you sum it up for me like you always do. I always thought it was charming how you told stories, or explained things. I never want to miss a detail. In my dream I can't stand to be away from you at all; In all reality, you'd probably think it was obssessive and annyoing, but in my dreams, you don't seem to mind. Being near you, touching you, is like a burst of energy running through me. I could be in the middle of a crowded room and only see you. I know that sounds trite; but in my dream, there's no such thing. In my dream, things are what they are, not what they can be, what they should be. In my dream, both of us are happy and content, and you tell me about things I've never heard before and I listen intently like my very life depends on my gathering everything you've said. I never miss a word. In my dream, everything is bright, and there's flowers everywhere. Not roses, not sunflowers. The random, bright beautiful kind that you'd be lucky to find in a grocery store on mother's day to bring home to mom. In my dream the only thing we fight about, is who is more of this, who does this better, who's going to get the left side, or the right. In my dream, the music playing is always happy. There's never any sad songs. There's never any bad feelings, or doubt, or trying to figure out what's better for who. We just know, and that's all there is. A mutual understanding. I'm okay with the fact that sometimes you're emotional, and you respect that fact that I can be a bit impatient. We deal with it. In my dream I can cook something, and not kill it, and you're right beside me helping me along. I ask you questions, and you've always got a clever answer, and witty response, it always makes me smile, and think, "look at what I've got." In my dream, you smile, and wear a grey shirt and we don't worry about the little things that keep us wondering. I only see the good in you. And when you're sitting there, just sitting there, I think to myself, "look at that. Look at what I've got. If only he knew..." In my dream, neither of us are afraid of the word love. In my dream i'm actually content in one place, in one bed, with one person. In my dream you feel the same. In my dream there are no intersections, and exits, and highways. There's no division. Just you and I, together. Always close. We don't think about what could happen, or might happen. We focus. You do what you love. I support you. And everyone gets what they want.
I suppose all of those factors remind me, that, it is really just a dream.
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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
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Lately has been good. The new semester for school started and I am actually really comfortable with all my classes, and I feel like this is going to be a really good and productive semester. I finally got organized and got my shit together. Good. The Christmas holiday was really good. It was amazing because I got to spend a serious amount of time with my brother. Speaking of that, randi just as of last week moved out there to california as well. I was really sad about it when it happened, but I'm really happy for both of them that they get to be together and be happy. I hope everything is going well out there. I think I'm going to call tonight. I meant to earlier than this, I feel likea bad person for not calling earlier.
I've been meeting alot of new people that I really love and I'm excited about it. Alsooo, I've been spending time with a few old friends, and rekindling those old relationships that I loved sooo much. =) Things are going well.
So Frankie and I. In december things were kind of rocky, but now they're amazing. We've definitely come a long way in our relationship, I think. Every one hates me for still being with him, but I don't care. No body really understand your situation until they're in it, you know? Like you can't tell me how he is, you don't know him like I know him, you've not been through what I've been through with him. But that goes for any situation in life. And it's great b/c he's making a conscious effort for the betterment of our relationship. I really feel like things can only go up from here. Haha, okay that is my frankie rant. I feel good to get it out. I'm glad with things lately.
hahah, and for the record! I haven't been to the doctor in two months! YESSSS!! Record, I am sooo happy. It must be all this loving I've been getting recently, haha.
I hope things stay good. <3
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Monday, December 26th, 2005
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I haven't updated in this one in a long time andddddd. or the other one I guess.
Christmas just passed, and it was just another reminder of how fortunate I really am.
I got everything I wanted, and a few unexpected things. It was really amazing.
I am now a proud owner of a trampoline,and I can honestly say that my life is one step closer to being complete. =)
This break is going by so fast, and it's sort of frustrating.
My schedule for next year was all messed up so on the last day I turned it in to be changed. I hope they do it right,
so on the first day back, I'm not scrambling everywhere in confusion.
Ugh. School.
I am proud to say though that lately things have been really stress free, and happy. Happy happy happy.
I am surrounded by amazing people in my life, that constantly remind me that I am truly fortunate.
Life is really good right now.
This coming new year, I'm making alot of changes. I have a whole list of resolutions that I am going to make it a point to
see through in full. New Beginnings.
I just thought a breif little update was at hand, that's all for now.
Tomorrow just might amazing and I just might get to spend it it the best person alive.
I hope.
I hope that everyone had an amazing holiday.
:)
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Saturday, November 12th, 2005
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Barely ever fight.
We used to make it everynight, but I don't want to bug him about it.
He just has a funny way of loving me....
I want to be a good woman, and I want for you
to be a good man.
And this is why
I will leaving,
This is why I can't see you no more..
I will miss your heart so tender,
And I will love this love forever...
I don't want to be a bad woman, and I can't stand to see you be a bad man...
I will miss your heart so tender, and I will love
this love forever.
This is why I am lying when I say, "I don't love you no more."
'Cause I want to be a good woman,
And I want for you to be a good man...
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